An Oik's Progress Read online

  All good harmless fun of course which, given the surroundings, sometimes put one in mind of Jeeves and Wooster.

  It did seem to Benny that many of his new colleagues were rather unworldly and that some had probably hitherto been dressed by their mum. So, sensing a business opportunity, he made them an offer of “50p to press a uniform and 50p to bull boots up to standard.” A nice little earner for Benny, it paid for his beer, his room-mates were spared a major part of the bullshit, and the Drill Sergeant was kept at bay.

  If Benny did take the bullshit in his stride, he did find the academic side of the course something of a struggle. There were regular exams over the ten weeks of the course the results of which had a major impact on whether students would actually be inducted into their respective County Forces. There was a department named “Resources of Learning” which was a Remedial Class and it appeared to be populated by the same few faces who had dipped out on the weekly exam. Benny managed to stay out of it by the skin of his teeth.

  Although he was not well educated, Benny was intelligent. His father’s Army postings had meant that he had attended many schools. This had totally disrupted any academic progress on his part and it had instilled in Benny a sense of inferiority. At his core Benny was convinced, in fact he had even been told, that he would never amount to very much. But he was optimistic and resilient although he did have an unfortunate tendency to be defensive.

  Benny’s application to join the Police had, like his Military Service, been somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to get his Dad off of his back. Benny hadn’t really thought it through and so to have to learn the law so thoroughly came as something of a shock. He had really thought that all that was required of a Police Officer was to look smart, investigate crime and beat trouble makers over the head with a truncheon. Once they were deposited at the Nick, the job was done! Wrong!

  There was much more to it than that. Cases had to be thoroughly investigated, accurately documented, and charges had to be proved in a Court of Law.

  All Criminal Offences on the Statute book have definitions made up of certain elements. These elements would have to be proved by evidence and in the event, if the evidence for one such element was not present in the circumstances then the offence would not be made out. The definitions were so fundamental to the whole basis of Policing that the students would have to learn them by rote. Hours would be spent reading and re-reading definitions. But Benny was soon to realise that the effort was to prove very worthwhile during his future service and preparation for the Promotion Examinations.

  It was not just a test of memory, but, rather like “Times tables” the definitions acted as a ready reference for officers when they were engaged on the street. For example the Definition of Theft…

  A person commits Theft if, they dishonestly -Appropriate- property –belonging to another- with the intention- of permanently depriving the other of it –Thief and Steal shall be construed accordingly- Contrary to section 1 Theft Act 1968.

  Early on at Training School, when Benny realised what the job really entailed, he was tempted, in boxing parlance, to “Throw the towel in.” He had a crisis of confidence and spoke to Johnny Kent about it. They made a pact that they would stay the course together. John had recently been working in the Caribbean and earning “big-bucks,” and the two Sergeants in charge of their group had openly expressed doubt about him remaining in the job for very long. John was intending to prove them wrong.

  Benny did, however, distinguish himself early at Training School, in a rather unfortunate way. Whilst playing football one Recreation afternoon he rendered First Aid to a team-mate who had collapsed “off of the ball” with no apparent bodily contact from the opposition. Kevin was in pain, there was no doubt about that, but he was trying manfully to contain it.

  Having played football at a relatively high level, Benny was confident that he knew what the problem was. A group of concerned players gathered around Kevin and Benny pushed them aside, ‘Leave it to me Chaps, he’s got a touch of cramp.’ He then told Kevin to lay still and Benny lifted Kevin’s left leg up and took it to his waist where he proceeded to bend back his toes to alleviate the cramp. Until then Benny had never really believed in levitation but he quickly realised that he had “the Power” when Kevin rose to a height of three feet from the ground and emitted a piercing scream which no doubt could be heard all over the establishment.

  Wrong diagnosis, it wasn’t cramp at all, Kevin had ruptured his Achilles tendon! Or maybe Benny had. This was a career threatening injury for Kevin and he was taken by ambulance to the Casualty Department in Oxford. Kevin later returned, with his leg plastered from groin to toe. To say that the Directing Staff were unhappy was an understatement and Kevin was none too pleased about it either. Kevin was a late joiner and he was on the brink of being ‘back coursed.’ He was so close to the upper age limit that he was in danger of non- acceptance on a future course. Common sense prevailed and it was agreed that as long as Kevin was accompanied by two colleagues at all times (particularly when negotiating the stairs) he could continue on the course and recuperate when he went back to his home force.

  Benny, however, was in bad odour, and he did his best to keep his head down.

  One aspect of the course Benny excelled at was drill. Though some others, did not find it so easy, particularly Lester who was an older student from a largely rural force. He was a giant of a man with a ruddy face and he had the outward appearance of being a Pig farmer or Pork butcher. When he walked he gave the impression of negotiating a ploughed field.

  Now one might think that marching is a matter of just walking at a certain pace smartly, in a straight line, swinging ones arms naturally. Basically, it is that simple, but Lester was totally defeated by this concept. He marched like a crab – Right arm/Right leg together- Left arm/Left leg together as though he’d had an accident in his pants and was trying to reach the nearest point of help.

  Drill instils discipline and team work and it is central to the Passing- out Parade. The Parade was held at the end of the course in front of proud family members and senior officers from the various parent forces of the Region.

  The Drill Sergeant had the unenviable task of turning a rabble into a smart and apparently well trained body of men in only a few weeks. Drill has always been a very visual indication of progress, but, mistakes stand out and when they happen they can be embarrassing.

  Well, Lester, not wishing to let his colleagues down or make a show of himself, practised. He practised in the dormitory, he practised in the corridors and finally he appeared to have cracked the choreography. He was quietly confident and rather pleased with himself.

  The day of the Uniform Dress rehearsal arrived, with recorded martial music blaring out of the sound system across the square, supposedly to add some rhythm and pomp to the occasion. Benny regarded this as a bit naff as there was nothing finer than marching to a Military band, particularly to the skirl of the pipes. This playing of taped stuff really didn’t meet the case at all.

  The Parade began with the Course marching onto the parade square for inspection. Later in the proceedings they marched up the main drive for about 100 yards and performed an “About turn” before continuing back down the drive and onto the square for the “March Past.” On their return Benny was two ranks behind Lester and Johnny Kent was between them. All Lester’s practise appeared to be paying off, he was doing brilliantly and there was even the hint of a swagger about him. Things were about to change however, Benny could see that Johnny Kent was trying to make contact with Lester and he finally managed it…..as Lester made a backward sweep of his arm it was grabbed by Kent and this threw Lester off totally, it all went horribly wrong and he was back to “Crabbing “ again.

  Lester just couldn’t regain his composure before the squad reached the square and the gaze of Sergeant Turner who bawled out “Jones, get a grip, you’re a fucking mess!” Lester was in for extra tuition. It was a wicked stroke to play. However, Lester, always up for a
laugh, took it well.

  On the day of Passing Out there was an air of expectancy and even trepidation particularly when the group marched off along the drive. Some of them would not have put it past Johnny Kent to have nobbled Lester again, such was his evil sense of humour. It didn’t happen though, Lester was doing well and the blokes were muttering encouragement to him as they got out of earshot of Turner, Lester made a slight stumble at the turn and hearts were in mouths but he dug deep and got back into his stride marching on proudly and triumphantly to the finish.

  After the Parade the Commandant gave a lengthy speech and presentations were made in the Hall for various categories of achievement. These included the trophy for the winner of the 6 mile stamina run. This had been won convincingly by Benny. As he stepped forward to receive it the Commandant, clearly with Benny’s First Aid achievements in mind, whispered, “Well done Cohen, at last you have managed to get something right!”

  Ivor and Joyce had attended the Parade along with Benny’s 18 year old brother David. His mother made a fuss of him and father nodded his approval. They were obviously proud and Benny was pleased that they had made the effort to attend, particularly as they had not been able to do so when he had passed out from Army Training.

  The course successfully completed, a nice long weekend beckoned before a two week Local Procedure Course which was to be held at the Force Headquarters.

  Chapter 2 – Lee-over-sands.

  May 1974

  Essex North East Division- Lee-over-sands.

  Nine officers including Benny, John and Kevin, were posted to the Division and they were allocated to the Uniform Shifts. Benny to C Shift, John and Kevin to D Shift. The daily work pattern was split between 6am-2pm / 2pm-10pm / 10pm-6am and on any given day, one of the Shifts would be taking a Rest Day.

  Each Shift would have a complement of One Inspector, a Patrol Sergeant, a Station Sergeant and twelve Constables, or at least that was what they should have had. Most of the Shifts were undermanned and after taking leave, sickness and courses into account the roster looked very different.

  Benny was assigned to a “Tutor Constable” Phil Drake who was tasked to show him the ropes for the first month. He had about ten years of service, all of which had been in the same Division. So Phil knew the area and its people very well. Benny’s first tour of duty was early turn 6am-2pm and although he was used to wearing a uniform he did feel rather conspicuous with a helmet on his head. He felt that the whole world was looking at him.

  He spent the month with Phil walking the two Town centre beats and Benny was shown all the short cuts, back alleys and how to access the roofs of Woolworth and Marks & Spencer – something that today would not occur for reasons of health and safety.

  Benny settled into the routine of shift work and he learned to deal with shop-lifters, domestic disputes and sudden deaths. He enjoyed dealing with the public. He was fair minded and he liked to think that he saw things in their proper perspective. He hated dealing with Traffic matters or giving out tickets for parking offences. Perhaps he was too soft hearted. He saw Policing as being like refereeing a football match. The public were in the game and it was the referee’s job to facilitate the smooth running of that game so that fun could be had by all. That was the lot of the Police Constable (or was it the inside of a Wendy house. You judge!)

  It also helped to know ones beat intimately, particularly if one was walking a town beat on night duty. Phil taught him that it was not about just walking the streets with torch in hand checking premises by shaking door handles, one had to apply cunning and guile. The ability to move around with stealth, to listen and observe gave a beat Pc the edge.

  It was not long, however, before Benny and Phil came across another practitioner of the art whilst they were walking the town around 4am early one morning.

  They had stopped for a few minutes in the High Street. Benny saw a shadowy figure moving in a doorway some 50 yards ahead. Something was wrong, so he nudged Phil, who was busy with his fag, and indicated that he had seen somebody acting very suspiciously. They set off towards the suspect and like in all good westerns, they crept forward quietly keeping as close to the shop fronts as they could. They got to the doorway where Benny thought he had seen the suspect, but nobody was there. They went a little further then somebody leapt out behind them “Hello!” They jumped! If Benny had had a six-gun it would have gone off!

  It was a little old lady and she had a dog with her.

  ‘Ruby, you frightened the bloody life out of us!’ said Phil. Benny was introduced to Ruby Redpath and her Border collie. Ruby then ran off laughing.

  Phil explained that Ruby was well known and that being virtually nocturnal she was often out with the dog in the dead of night. Unfortunately she enjoyed stalking police officers. Particularly those whom she could tell were fresh on the job.

  Benny liked night shifts. He enjoyed the freedom of movement particularly when there were enough staff to allow one or two officers to roam around the town on push bikes. The tour of duty would start with a briefing at 21.45 hours the Shift would then be deployed to their various beats. At Midnight the Shift (apart from the Area Response car crew) would have a tea break for 15 minutes. They would then go out on the road again until they took their individually allotted 45 minute refreshment breaks.

  Due to various happenings, Benny was renowned for being somewhat accident prone and on one night yet another incident served to reinforce that reputation. He had been late for the tea break and he was racing on his bike along the Upper Promenade when he failed to recall the presence of a garden feature which was planted centrally on an unlit section of the path. It had been there for years and consisted of an oval shaped mature privet hedge with rose bushes planted within. Benny was travelling at a fair old lick, he had his head down so as to be more aerodynamic when he hit the hedge unwittingly vaulting the hedge with a style that the local Hunt would have been proud of.

  He landed on his back among the roses with the bike on top of him and still in the seated position. He lay there for a few moments collecting his thoughts and staring at the moon. After he had extricated himself from the thorns and having reconciled the fact that he had probably missed tea, he pedalled back to his digs to try to clean himself up. He didn’t go back to the Nick until his refreshment break as he suspected that one of his colleagues might realise that he had been somehow unseated from his steed, and would take the piss.

  As for the job, in general, he enjoyed it but there was much to learn and it was all too easy to be caught out by circumstances. Benny was to realise that he had to think more laterally when presented with some situations. A good case in point was when on one hot summer afternoon he was confronted in the High Street by a near hysterical woman who drew Benny’s attention to a parked car.

  ‘Officer. Look at that poor dog.’ She cried, ‘It’s got no air.’

  All of the car windows were indeed shut with the exception of a gap of about two inches at the top of a rear window. The dog was of a long haired variety and it was panting, but, it did not seem particularly distressed.

  The woman continued ‘I’ve been here for half an hour now, look at the poor thing, its suffering.’

  Benny used his radio to request that a vehicle check be carried out so that he could get some indication of where the owner was living and thereby enable the Control room staff to make enquiries on his behalf. The woman stayed with the car. Benny had to walk further along the road to get a better radio signal. When he returned to the car another woman made herself known to him as the car owner.

  ‘Somebody has broken into my car.’ She said, ‘Look at the window.’

  Benny did so and he could see that the rear window had been forced right down into the door skin. The dog was going mad with excitement at the return of its owner.

  Benny looked around for the other woman but she had slipped away.

  ‘Well, there was this woman you see, who stopped me because she was concerned about your dog.’
/>   ‘Where is she then?’

  ‘She appears to have gone now.’

  ‘Well who was she?’

  ‘I don’t know. I didn’t get her name….I was just using my radio and.’

  ‘Fine bloody policeman you are, and you let her damage my window.’

  ‘Well I didn’t really see her do it, actually.’

  Benny realised that he was starting to sound more and more pathetic by the minute.

  ‘I want paying for this.’

  Benny then got a grip.

  ‘Madam, I understand that you live in Pettits Lane, Romford. Is that right?’

  ‘Yes, I do. What’s that got to do with the price of fish?’

  ‘Well I need you to confirm your details.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘For my report.’

  ‘What report?’

  ‘About the dog due to the fact that it was left in the car with no water or fresh air. Also, if you insist, I need to complete a crime report of criminal damage to your window since the matters are inextricably linked.’

  ‘Sod the window. I’ll get my old man to fix it!”

  Benny made copious notes in his Pocket Book about incident and later put a telephone call into the RSPCA in Romford just to mark their card. He knew that he’d been left “holding the baby,” so to speak, and that he should have got the details of the woman who had reported the matter in the first place. Very embarrassing. Lesson learned.

  Chapter 3 – Ladies of the house.

  Benny got on well with his colleagues, the majority of whom were married, and living in Police Houses.

  On joining the Division Benny had been provided with a room at the top of one of the Guest Houses which were located on the Seafront. The landlady was called Doris and she lived with her timorous husband, Leonard, at the rear of the house. Doris was loud, brassy and amply bosomed and she was straight out of the East End. She was the boss of her domain and it certainly would not have surprised Benny if she had been a Dominatrix in her spare time.