An Oik's Progress Read online

  An Oik's Progress

  Steve Eastwood

  Copyright © 2015 Steve Eastwood

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

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  or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents

  Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in

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  Matador®

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  Tel: (+44) 116 279 2299

  Fax: (+44) 116 279 2277

  Email: [email protected]

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  ISBN 978 1784629 403

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador® is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  Converted to eBook by EasyEPUB

  Contents

  Cover

  Acknowledgements

  The Prologue

  Chapter 1 – Police Training School.

  Chapter 2 – Lee-over-sands.

  Chapter 3 – Ladies of the house.

  Chapter 4 – Words of Advice.

  Chapter 5 – Trouble in Paradise.

  Chapter 6 – Charlie.

  Chapter 7 – A few holes.

  Chapter 8 – Characters.

  Chapter 9 – Prostrate Trouble.

  Chapter 10 – Caledonian Menace.

  Chapter 11 – Bit of a giggle.

  Chapter 12 – Moving experience.

  Chapter 13 – Chinese whispers.

  Chapter 14 – 50/50.

  Chapter 15 – Opportunity knocks.

  Chapter 16 – Ted’s attack.

  Chapter 17 – Tip off.

  Chapter 18 – Immediate cover.

  Chapter 19 – Briefing and deployment.

  Chapter 20 – Arrest operation.

  Chapter 21 – Forensic Recovery.

  Chapter 22 – Life Imprisonment.

  Chapter 23 – Black dog.

  Chapter 24 – CID.

  Chapter 25 – Secret Santa.

  Chapter 26 – A bit of fluff.

  Chapter 27 – Irreverence.

  Chapter 28 – Some frightful shit.

  Chapter 29 – A lovely boy.

  Chapter 30 – Communication.

  Chapter 31 – Ferrari Beano.

  Chapter 32 – Wind up.

  Chapter 33 – Bouncing Draft.

  Chapter 34 – Least said.

  Chapter 35 – Ethical Dilemma.

  Chapter 36 – Celebration Lunch.

  Chapter 37 – Planned Blag.

  Chapter 38 – Yes! A date!

  Chapter 39 – Across the pavement.

  Chapter 40 – Up for coffee.

  Chapter 41 – Fat, Bones and Maggots.

  Chapter 42 – A nice earner.

  Chapter 43 – Chirp, Scoff, Bang!

  Chapter 44 – Poetic Justice.

  Chapter 45 – Cry for help.

  Chapter 46 – Grot Competition.

  Chapter 47 – Mayor’s Ball.

  Chapter 48 – Wooden Heart.

  Chapter 49 – European cups.

  Chapter 50 – Herman the German.

  Chapter 51 – Atonement.

  Chapter 52 – Aftermath.

  Chapter 53 – The box.

  Chapter 54 – A gentleman to see you.

  Acknowledgements

  I am indebted to three people who all read the manuscript of this book as it gradually took shape. First and foremost my good friend Janet Eccles who provided her advice, encouragement and unstinting support without which I may not have completed my first novel at all. Also to Barbara Dean whose frankness and willingness to put me straight on matters of perception were never withheld. And Steve Savage, erstwhile Radio Caroline DJ and thoroughly good egg who was constantly available to provide support and counsel with the aid of pints of “the dark stuff” in the Martello Inn. I thank you all.

  The Prologue

  Benny Cohen was an “Army Brat.” His father joined the Army as a junior soldier the day before VE Day and he rose steadily through the ranks over 25 years of service. Ivor Cohen was highly regarded as a tough, but fair, leader of men. He was also very ambitious. Due to operational deployments in the Middle and Far East, Benny hardly saw his father until he was about 5 years old. Benny and his mother Joyce then followed Ivor from one posting to the next. Andover, Aldershot, Bahrain and two tours in Germany. This was good life experience but Benny’s education suffered badly.

  When Benny was around 12 years old RSM Ivor Cohen became 2nd Lieutenant Cohen and in addition to the upheaval of yet another posting and a change of school, Benny’s peer group changed from that of Sergeant’s kids to those of the Officer’s Mess. The Regiment was in Germany and the Sergeant’s Mess was central to the life and welfare of the families. Benny had been a regular visitor to the Mess. He had loved playing on the fruit machines and the snooker table with his mates. He was lucky enough to watch the 1966 World Cup Final on one of the first colour TVs. But all of that was about to change.

  Ivor had served for the first 18 years with the Parachute Regiment in various theatres of conflict and he was a vastly experienced soldier compared to the other officers. However, “Class” seemed to matter more in the Officer’s Mess and Benny found that his visits were not at all what he was used to. He had heard on one occasion another officer, who did not know Benny, denigrating his father behind his back. Declaring that he was a “Damned Ranker” who was “a bit above himself.”

  Benny was sickened and he felt the anger well up inside himself. He had an overwhelming urge to defend his father’s honour and to chin the man. Benny was a large lad, for a 15 year old, and he was physically, if not emotionally, tough. He did not care about the consequences, he just wanted to make a statement so he launched himself at the young officer and grabbing him by the throat he forced him off of the bar stool and onto the floor. Benny managed to get a head-butt and one solid punch into the man before he was dragged away. Embarrassment prevented the officer from complaining, but Benny was banned from entering the Officers Mess henceforth.

  There was no doubt in people’s minds that Benny was an “Oik” and when the “Officer’s Kids” were home from Boarding school in the holidays they would take every opportunity to remind him of the fact. As if that were not enough, he was not doing well at school and his father would nag him about his appearance and his exam results. Benny’s confidence was shattered and he came to believe that his father regarded him as somewhat of an embarrassment.

  Ivor anticipated that Benny’s 16th Birthday was fast approaching and he assumed that he would not be staying on at school. He worried that Benny would just spend his time hanging around the garrison getting up to no good and so his daily mantra changed to “You need a Trade son. Join the Army Apprentices.” Now Benny had never shown any aptitude for working with his hands. But this fact was either totally lost on Ivor or he did not consider it to have any relevance for the immediate future. He saw Benny as a problem to be solved and diverted. He knew that his son was only really interested in one thing. Football.

  Benny was just an ordinary lad who had not had the benefit of a private education. He did not fit into the world of the “Officer Class,” and unlike
his father he could not make the transition. So he was packed off to the Army Apprentices College in Chepstow and he became Apprentice Tradesman Cohen Army number 24179281 Plumber and Pipefitter, Royal Engineers.

  Benny was angry, and throughout his life the anger would never, ever, leave him. The Training Staff soon recognised that he had no aptitude for Trade training and that he was more suited to the Infantry. He was later transferred to the Junior Infantryman’s Battalion where he enjoyed his time but he served the minimum period.

  He was deeply frustrated. He would hardly ever see a woman from one week to the next and he had never had a girlfriend. He wanted more out of life. Much more.

  Four years later and facing the future with limited academic qualifications, Benny was back living with his parents and his younger brother David. This time in a village on the edge of London. He, and his father, had both been discharged from the Army.

  Benny had been in a succession of jobs but he was now running his parent’s Sub- Post office. He enjoyed speaking to the customers and, apart from the odd miserable git, they seemed to like him.

  Although not academically gifted he was meticulous with the financial side of the job, his weekly audit was usually correct and he was able to balance the books within the acceptable margin. He was 23 years old, a credit to the Post Office and he was bored ‘shitless.’

  Benny was engaged to a girl called Jane who lived only a few doors away. They would enjoy trysts at lunchtime and in the evenings. She was a healthy girl and they were inseparable, that is, until she dropped the bombshell that she had been shagging his “best friend.” Benny was devastated by this news. Why she had bothered to tell him, he just could not fathom. He might have been better off not knowing about it. Still, it couldn’t be helped. Bollocks to it! He didn’t really want to get married anyway.

  Thinking back, he had seen Jane almost every day so he wondered where she had found the time to shag anyone else. Dirty cow!

  Why did she cheat on him? It wasn’t as if he was a bad looking bloke. He stood 6 feet 2 inches in height with a good physique. He went about 160 lbs with black hair and his face had character. Specifically, a large broken nose which had been sustained during Army boxing. Benny couldn’t understand it. He’d always treated Jane well. Probably too well. He now knew that he needed to move on.

  As for Ivor. He would continually berate his son for leaving the Army but he later changed tack. Wishing the best for him, Ivor kept dropping heavy hints, “Join the Police son, like your uncle Fred.” So he did.

  Chapter 1 – Police Training School.

  January 1974

  Regional Police Training School

  Oxfordshire

  Benny sat the Police Entrance Examination at the local Police Station in Brentwood and to his amazement he passed. Although the paper was not set at a high level academically it was the first time in his life that he had actually been successful in any type of examination. After a few weeks he attended the County Police Headquarters for an interview. He was accepted into the Essex and Southend on Sea Joint Constabulary and he became Police Constable 258 D Cohen.

  He quickly learned that one other person from his area, John Kent, had been successful in his application to join the force and they met up to arrange how they would get to the Training School on Day One. John’s father was licensee of the Railway Tavern, a pub frequented by members of the local CID who had finally managed to persuade John to apply to join the force. Now John definitely enjoyed a drink. Benny did also, but at that time, only in moderation. However, he did his best to keep up.

  Both John and his father, also called John, possessed a sharp intelligence and ready wit, clearly honed by their dealings with the punters in the pub game. John was a chip off of the old block and he seemed to be able to see the humorous side of any situation.

  This of course, would make him invaluable to be with when encountering members of the opposite sex. Even if Benny would have to take the role of the ugly mate.

  John owned a Sunbeam Tiger convertible, a high powered sports car with wide wheels. This was a real babe magnet and it was his pride and joy. John exploited its potential for all it was worth. It was not totally reliable, however, and although they left home in good time for the journey to the Police Training School, the babe magnet overheated and broke down in the Kings Cross Road which meant that they had to wait for it to cool down before topping it up with water. They arrived an hour late at the Training School and they had to suffer the humiliation of carrying their cases past all of the other students who were formed up and standing to attention in uniform. The Drill Sergeant, who was from their home force, was not impressed “You two are late! Get in with your kit, get changed and get down here! A fine start to your careers!”

  The course was opened by a welcome address from the Commandant, Chief Superintendent Paul Carman. Benny found this a pretentious title for a senior Police officer and it always reminded Benny of the concentration camps.

  The students were then allocated to three Classes and Benny and John were pleased to find that they were in the same group.

  Next on the agenda was Physical Education which was held in the Gymnasium, and having managed to find their way there, they were told to form up in three ranks for a PE kit inspection by the PTI, Sergeant Turner. The joining instructions had stated that PE Kit had to be of a certain type and colour with plimsolls whitened.

  The students, who ranged from 19 to 31 years of age, did not know what to expect, it was Day One, and the air was heavy with tension.

  Sergeant Turner called the register. He was a man of several roles, Physical Training, Self- Defence instructor and Drill Sergeant. He was a surly individual who enjoyed the power that his position afforded him and he expected nothing less from his students than instant obedience and submission. Turner was setting out the order of play when he broke off mid- sentence…he sniffed the air dramatically “Who’s shit?”

  Quick as a flash Johnny Kent, who couldn’t help himself, exclaimed “Yours if you want it Sergeant!”

  The class erupted and the tension dissipated but this was not an answer that Turner was expecting. He obviously found it an affront to his dignity. He was speechless and marked Kent down as a ‘Gob-shite’ and definitely one to watch. However, over the coming weeks, Sergeant Turner’s attitude mellowed.

  He began to get used to John’s sense of humour which was not intended to be destructive or subversive and he recognised that although John approached everything in a light hearted way he did in fact try hard to master the various exercises being taught. He did still have his moments though which were typified by one incident during self-defence training. It was a fine sunny afternoon and the session was being held outdoors on the sports field. The particular martial art being taught was Aikido and the lads were paired up, trying the various holds, and using gym mats for the purpose. Benny and John were coping quite well with a new hold which they were taking in turns to practise on each other. It was Benny’s turn and he had John in hold. There was no way out for him until he stuck two fingers in Benny’s ribcage ‘Bang!’ Benny fell to the mat ‘What the fuck was that?’

  ‘I’ve got a gun, mate. You’re dead’ said John giggling. They both fell about laughing and drew a glare from Turner who was obviously thinking “what are those wankers from Essex up to this time?”

  There were about 100 male students on the Initial Training Course (women attended another centre in Warwickshire) and apart from lessons in law and procedure there were militaristic aspects to the course with drill and uniform maintenance featuring highly. This was a “piece of piss” for Benny who had served under a much more rigorous regime in the Army. In his eyes the Police approach was rather amateurish by comparison.

  The Training School was located near Witney in Oxfordshire in a stately home called Eynsham Hall. It was indeed a beautiful environment.

  Classes were held in prefabricated buildings that were located in the grounds and the students were billeted, eight to
a room on the second floor at the top of the house. There were the inevitable ‘wind ups.’

  In the dormitory, occupied by Benny and his mates, there was a hidden door which opened on to a spiral staircase and this led down to the ground floor. On several occasions during the course, and usually after an evening in the bar, unsuspecting victims would find their beds missing and would eventually locate them fully assembled, along with their locker and bedside table, in the billiard room.